Swearing Lessons
by agent000
Summary: Al is way too naive and angelic for his own good. It's time something was done about it, and Edward has some ideas on how to go about it.


_**Hey, I'm back! I must give all those who know me and my stories a brief warning: I actually didn't censor Ed in this story, and those who know me know that that's quite rare. I've been going through some really tough times lately, and so I've found it easier to not sensor the characters when they want to swear, and that will probably continue for a little while until things settle down to a normal level again.**_

_**Disclaimer: A penguin with a Christmas tree just walked in and threatened to hit me with it if I said I owned FMA, so um... I don't? ((whack)) Hey, you said if I said I DID own it!...Oh, it was the other way? Well, what I said still stands. ((whack)) You mean freaking penguin!  
**_

Something was bugging Edward. He didn't know exactly what it was. It was sort of like when you have an itch under your skin where you can't reach it. You know it's there without knowing why it's there or what caused it to be there.

So Edward had an itch of sorts. An itch to know why Al persisted in being so angelic all the time. It made him look bad in comparison, or at least he felt it did. People did refer to Al as "the good brother" and to Ed as "the evil brother". Then again, that statement was probably justified, but the people saying those things seriously did not know Al. When it came down to it, Al could be a hundred times more evil than Ed himself. It was just a matter of getting Al to show that side of him so people could see it was there.

And that was when Edward got the idea of giving Al swearing lessons. It was perfect. If he could get Al to utter a few curse words now and then, they'd realize that the sweet, angelic little boy wasn't really so sweet and angelic.

So Ed approached Al about it. "Al, when was the last time you swore?"

"What kind of swearing?" asked Al. "The kind where you're making a promise or the kind where you're saying rude words?"

"The second kind."

"Oh, that," said Al, "I don't remember the last time. I hate swearing."

A smug smile played across Edward's face and he put his fists on his hips. "But you admit to have sworn in the past?"

Al sighed and rolled his eyes. "Yeeeeeeesssss…"

This was good. This was very good. He knew he'd caught Al swearing once, but nobody had believed him. Now he had Al admitting to it himself. This meant that Al could be made to swear. Now to try and convince Al that he needed swearing lessons.

"I'm going to teach you how to swear, Al."

Al grabbed a book off the shelf and opened it to a random page. "Uh, sorry, not gonna happen."

Edward raised an eyebrow. Bad grammar was okay by Al but swearing wasn't? This was news. How did Al justify such a position? So Ed asked him.

And Al answered. "Because, dummy, swearing hurts people's feelings, but bad grammar doesn't."

"And calling me a dummy isn't likely to hurt my feelings?"

Al ignored him and just hid his face in his book. Ed just sighed. Al needed to be able to say something a little more offensive than 'dummy' if he were to function in the real world. What if he had to work for another Colonel Bastard? He needed to be able to call the man by his proper title. Or if it was a lady, then Colonel Bitch. Or he could switch the swear words up, he supposed. People were doing that nowadays. Probably because they'd taken one look at Roy Mustang's pants and weren't able to conclusively determine his gender based on that.

Edward cleared his throat. He was determined about this, and now was the time to do what needed to be done. "Al, repeat after me: damn it."

"Nope," said Al. "You're interrupting my reading."

"Well, this is more important than whatever it is that you're reading."

Al dropped the book slightly so his eyes were visible again and he said, "Swearing lessons versus a self-help book. Gee, I wonder which one is more important?" Al held the book back up in front of his eyes and continued reading.

"But this is a self-help lesson, Al," said Edward with his arms stretched out wide. "Think of all you could do if you just knew how to swear!"

"I know how to, I just don't choose to."

"But you should! It'd make people not think you're a little angel anymore."

"You're interrupting my reading." Al shifted to a more comfortable position. "I'm ignoring you now."

"Fine!" Edward threw his hands up in the air. "Ignore me. See if I care!" He waited for a moment to see if that had elicited the desired reaction from Al, but then saw that it didn't, so he left the room. Al just couldn't be persuaded when he got all stubborn like that.

Over the next few days, Edward watched Al intensely to try and catch him at a weak moment, but no matter what happened, Al never swore. Ever. Once Edward offered a suggestion of some choice swear words Al could use when he'd stubbed his toe, but Al just preferred the traditional "Ow!" as many times as it was necessary. There was just no compromising this kid's innocent façade.

Then one day, something bad happened. Really bad. Al was storming through the house, glaring at everyone who happened to lay eyes on them. Ed shivered under that gaze, but knew he had to find out what was wrong for Al's sake, even if Al would tear him to shreds for caring.

Upon being asked, Al said, "I just got off the phone with Winry."

"I thought you'd started talking with her hours ago."

"I did," said Al, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get off the phone when she's having problems?"

Ed nodded and relaxed a little. If it was just a Winry problem, he could handle this. "So what's her problem?"

"She had a customer come in today who really pissed her off."

Edward's eyes widened in astonishment at Al's choice of wording there. It wasn't too severe a word choice, but it was more than could normally be expected from Al.

"Why, what did he do?"

"He kept making passes at her," said Al, "And she kept telling him to stop it and he wouldn't. He even lunged at her and tried to force a kiss on her. Thank goodness she had her wrench on hand."

Edward was digging his fingernails into his palm, readying himself to seek out this idiot and personally punish him for hurting his friend as soon as he learned the guy's name. This was not acceptable behavior from a customer.

"So what did you tell her?" asked Ed.

"I told her that if he ever did that again, to tell him to fuck off or she'd call the police."

Ed was dead silent for several minutes. He had wanted to get his little brother to swear, but he hadn't actually imagined it would happen, and now that it had happened, he wasn't sure what should be done about it, if anything.

Al finally turned to Ed and said, "What would you have told her?"

Edward cleared his throat. "Probably about the same thing. That's what scares me."

Al finally smiled and half-chuckled, seeming to understand his brother's predicament at last. "I told you I knew how to swear, I just normally don't want to."

Edward shook his finger at Al, "But when you do swear, you are so angry that even _I'm_ scared of you. Remind me to tread softly next time you use a swear word."

"Or take your gun and go after the bad guy while I bring my hatchet."

"Al!" Edward half laughed, but it was more shock than laughter. "What's gotten into you?"

"A friend's in trouble and I can't do anything about it, that's what."

Edward finally understood, and he patted Al's shoulder. It took a lot to drive Al to swear. It took a threat on the things most prized in Al's life, his close friends.

"Don't worry, Al, Winry can take care of herself. She just needed to vent on someone to get her anger out, so now she's fine. You can vent on me now if you need help releasing your anger."

A smirk from Al. "Then who would you vent on?"

Edward waved his hand dismissively. "Ah, who needs to vent when one can resort to violence?"

Al finally laughed, and Edward smiled and ushered Al onto a couch. They were going to have a long talk, and get to know each other better in the process. There was a whole side to Al that Ed didn't know about. He wanted to understand it now.

_**There's a side of Al you all thought you'd never see. Run for the hills when he starts swearing. It's not a good sign, hehe. Anyway, thank you all for reading, and have a nice day!**_


End file.
